the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
