just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
