bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
