he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
