Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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