sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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