Please, let me fuck your mom
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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