You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Two words: nipple clamps
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