Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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