I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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