whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
