I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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