sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
