I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
