I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
