I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
