considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
