I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
