Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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