Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
