He passed out mid-signature
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
