I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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