you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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