At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
