I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
