The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
