Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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