he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
