I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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