Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
