Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
