so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
