i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
