Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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