finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
