i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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