Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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