I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
