I could make wine with my vomit
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
