i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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