Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
