My boss' voice literally gives me gas
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Your topless pictures make me question reality
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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