i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
