btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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