im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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