If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
