I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
