The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
