Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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