The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
