thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
